| i think i'm goin crazzzzy |
[Apr. 5th, 2008|01:41 pm] |
After enjoying today's momentary warmth, I've spent the remaining hours trying to learn every Daniel Johnston song I can find the chords for. These songs kill me; but they are so important.
When he sings, "This is a promise with a catch, only if you're looking, will it find you. Cuz true love is searching to, but how can it recognize you, unless you step out into the light the light." And he goes on to promise that true love will find you in the end, I become incredibly moved and I do believe that his promise is sincere and true. It eats at my insides.
Last night I went home a bit shooken up after telling Brittani about the Gene story. I suppose I hadn't told it for some time, and forgot how emotional I get.
It's hard for me to understand myself when I step back and think about what a large portion of my mind and heart are devoted to finding him. I've tried to write songs about it, I've tried to write short stories about it, but nothing comes out quite right, the reason being, I've realized, is because it's something I can't even comprehend. Someone sent me these picture a couple of days ago, inquiring, "is that him?"
I started to cry. The picture happened to be taken at a show at Clint's warehouse, and the boy in the picture happens to look nearly identical to Gene. For a moment, I convinced myself that it was him, and just as quickly as the idea came, it was shattered. Everytime I see a boy with blue eyes and a beard, my heart melts and stops and starts up all fast and I think, in that instant, that boy could be him. It's been so long now, that just about anybody could be him. But, when I close my eyes, I can still see the image I saw that night, and I know deep down, if I see him-I will know it. For real.
I'm not sure which is most maddening, the idea that I may have never crossed his mind after that night, he could be in some far away state or country.... or the idea that I represent the same longings I have for Gene in numerous people's lives, and I take them all for granted.
This entire search/desperation makes me feel like a real jerk. |
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| Comments: |
hearing about gene always breaks my heart
oddly enough though, i used to know the dude sans beard.
AH! really?
that's what freaked me out about almost thinking he was gene.
like, that guys hanging out at my friends warehouse----and the guy he's sitting next to looks like a kid i always used to see around malibu/in clout.
Imagine if gene is just one step away like that!
So wierd, ems, so wierd.
i wish i could come with you tonight :(
hey, this is gina (usetheloo), my new journal. do you think you could add this one instead?
Dani Fine.
i miss you.
<3,
ricky | |
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